Trigger warning: This post thoroughly discusses an episode The Biggest Loser, including the abusive bullshit as well as the weigh-ins.

This is it. We’re getting down to brass tacks. This is the last Biggest Loser recap you’ll ever read from me and can I be the first to say Praise Allah for that.

If I never spend another moment obsessively re-re-re-re-rewinding Jillian Michaels as she ogles a jump-roper’s boobs just to make the perfect gif, it will be too soon.

That being said, we have an exciting second half ahead of us, including one of the most amazing transformations you will ever see in your life. I am not overselling this when I say that one of the contestants, the winner in fact, undergoes such a dramatic physical transformation that you will gasp.

I guarantee…

True Lies

Sweeney wants to tear through the at-home contestants because time is of the essence. This time, she brings out four former contestants.

“She’s a future doctor who has aced the toughest physical exam of all, ours.” I’m gonna disagree and say that most branches of the military would qualify as tougher physical exams because at least soldiers have to continue their regimen for longer than 129 days. “Here’s Francie.”

Francie looks like she’s been cast in a movie set in a casino.

And then the mandatory pose, for which Francie does a cute little curtsy.

Click to see the cute little curtsey.

“He’s been a huge fan of the show for years and now we’re huge fans of his.” We are. We really are. “Say hello to TC!” Hello TC.

TC… um… dancing.

As TC does his dance, they cut to the audience to some sort of family member, I’m assuming, but to me, it looks like Michael Cera in a wig, which is no swipe at the woman because I’ve always contended that Michael Cera would make a very pretty woman.

In fact, I’m 100% certain that is Michael Cera in drag.

“He started as this season’s heaviest player, but this new dad is about to light up the scale.” I heard they got Bruce Vilanch to punch up the script.. “Here’s Michael.”

Michael immediately goes into happy Hulk pose.

And I guess this is the only pose Michael practiced because for the five seconds or so they give the contestants, this is how he stood.

“HELP! MY ARMS ARE STUCK!!!”
[Click to see how Michael's arms are stuck in happy Hulk mode.]

And is anyone else thinking that if they’re going to do before and after photos, the subjects should be comparably dressed. “Here’s Mike before, half naked and huge, and here he is now, thinner and half-naked.” Seems only fair.

“She’s a 28-year-old student who came to the ranch to find herself, and lost a whole lot of weight in the process.” Here’s a project suggestion for some ambitious reader: go back and watch all the grand finales and see how many of these introductions are recycled. I’m guessing the “came to find herself, lost a lot of weight in the process” line has been a popular turn of phrase. “Let’s hear it for Cate.” Hey, way to be Cate.

Click to see Cate’s poses, including the happy she-Hulk.

Michael should have confabbed with Cate on the pose ideas. She’s a natural. And as you may have noticed, Cate’s now engaged. And it’s all because she’s skinny. Her fiance never would have asked her while she was a fatty, and God forbid she regain the weight. They never actually talk to Cate about her engagement, which kind of surprises me actually.

Instead, as Cate joins the other three near Sweeney, I swear hear somebody kind of gasp or make a surprised noise, and then it sounds as if someone says, “Oh, I lost my tooth!” I listened to it twice, and it seems pretty clear to me, but they don’t say anything about that either, except Francie is standing next to Sweeney and she seems to be kind of laughing about something. I’m not 100% certain, but I accuse Francelina of losing a tooth on stage at The Biggest Loser finale! I’m calling the scoop on that one. You heard it here first. This is journalism at it’s finest.

“I’m gonna say, everybody’s had a huge reaction, but Michael, your family, TC, your family, I hear ‘em screaming your names,” Sweeney says. “And you both came here for your sons. Michael, TC, talk about what that’s like to be doing this, knowing your kids are looking up to you like that.”

Michael nods to TC, who starts. TC has a pretty tragic story that makes me pretty mad that TBL exploited for emotional benefit. TC was in a car accident and his seat broke and it crushed his son, who suffered extensive injuries and a fractured his skull. More on that later.

TC came into this show because he wanted to “get skinny” for his son, but he was the first contestant kicked off the show because he lost “only” 15 pounds. And while he has certainly lost a lot of weight on his own, he was clearly unable to get “skinny.” None of the male contestants got “skinny” by any stretch of the imagination, but they did get thinner. The problem comes with long-term maintenance and what that does to TC’s emotional or psychological health. All of these contestants are just now beginning the real version of The Biggest Loser, the version we don’t get to see played out in the media all that often.

“It’s so empowering to yourself to know that you are doing the right decisions for your family. And to come out here after all that hard work is amazing, and I know my kids are at home watching. I’m a healthy dad who’s proud of himself. So I’m proud. My kids would be proud of me.”

TC, your family is proud of you. But I hope you know that making the right decision for your family is not whether or not you get, or stay, skinny. If you want to teach your kids health, teach them to eat a healthy, balanced diet that isn’t needlessly restrictive, and get some exercise doing something you love (I recommend trying to get the ACSM guidelines). Whether or not you get or stay skinny following these basic principles won’t matter so much as the positive effect they have on you and your family’s metabolic health. Whatever you choose to do, I wish you health and happiness.

Sweeney says, “And we’re proud to have you as part of The Biggest Loser family.” Ah, yes, The Biggest Loser family. They’re like the Corleones of the small screen.

Sweeney says to Mike, “Little Mike, you talked about him all season.” Yeah, maybe because during his child’s first few months of life he felt compelled to commit himself to The Biggest Loser‘s weight loss process.

Ooooooooooooooooh what a cutie he is. Look at those cheeks!

“You know,” Mike says, “the thing about it is I had this one thing that I just couldn’t overcome and it was my weight and it was getting in the way of me being around for my son and being able to represent for him.” No doubt, at 444 pounds. But I would ask Mike if his experience is of losing weight, then regaining more until he reached 444 pounds. I really hope he keeps the weight off because being 444 pounds would be difficult to bear. He would have been better off learning 20-30 years ago learning to not keep losing weight only to regain it and then some.

Read the tweet. TBL chose to air this tweet, knowing it is absolutely false.

Even if you assume that The Biggest Loser‘s timeline is accurate, that’s still 12 weeks worth of episodes. I’m not sure on what planet you would have to be where 12 weeks equals two months of hard work. But setting that aside, Dr. Huizenga said it was 101 days from Danni’s first day to whenever they recorded episode 11. And we know there’s a 28 delay from filming to release. That’s an estimated 129 days, or approximately four months. Four months of 1,200 calories per day and 46 hours of exercise per week. And they’ll have to follow a similar lifestyle just to maintain the weight loss.

But WOW! Look how great they look after two months of hard work!

“Alright, before we all start tearing up here,” Sweeney says unconvincingly, “I’m going to send you back to get into your weigh-in clothes. We love you so much,” she says, again, not all that convincingly. “Alright, let’s see how you do on the scale, we’ll see you soon.”

Get the hell off my stage!

“Can Alex hang onto the lead?” Sweeney asks. “Find out when we return?” Then as the camera cuts to the contestants walking off stage, you can see Sweeney immediately cover her right eye with her hand and keep it there as she starts walking off-stage toward the camera. It’s the look of frustration for sure. Despite Sweeney’s best efforts to afford contestants modest amounts of talking time, she’s clearly not hitting her times right.

Click to see Sweeney frustrated.

Live television with non-professionals has to be one of the most difficult things to manage, and for 11 of the 12 weeks, Sweeney’s got an editor backing her up. But tonight, she’s doing a tightrope walk with time, and her footing is definitely in trouble.

After commercial break, Sweeney begins the weigh-in introductions. “We’re gonna get Francelina on the scale next.” And then, one of the most reprehensible introductions of the night. “Francie’s family’s past used to hold her down, but thanks to Jillian, Francie’s future is definitely looking up.” Francie revealed in oblique terms her history with her alcoholic father.

Francie looks just slightly peeved by the introduction too.

In the flashback, Francie explains, “When I was 16, I lost my father to a brain tumor and it was just hard because my father was everything to me, you know.”

Then we see Francie say to Jillian, “I was so angry that he passed away, and then relieved at the same time.”

“Was he an alcoholic?”

“Yeah.”

Yes, I’m sure Jillian’s intuition has nothing to do with the exhaustive psychological profile the show compiles on all the contestants.

“You need forgive him and you need to forgive yourself,” Jillian tells her. “If you forgive him, it doesn’t negate what happened. It doesn’t make it okay. But it will help you find some peace and some understanding.” And while Jillian’s words are true (and no doubt aided by TBL’s team of crack psychologists who make Jillian sound like a credible counselor.

“I was so naive to think that I could deal with the physical part without the emotional part,” Francie says to the camera. “I’m looking forward to being a little bit stronger.”

Click to see the montage, including Jillian’s Psychiatrist Playtime.

Now on the scale, Francelina needs to lose more than 93 pounds to beat Alex. Francie started at 267 pounds and drops to 172 pounds for a total of 95, which is 35.58%. Sweeney asks how Francelina feels and Francelina tells her about the happy feelings.

Then Sweeney says, “That’s awesome. Alright, let’s keep going.”

How will they handle TC’s tragic life?

“We have to get TC on next. He and his son were in a terrible accident, but he used it to find his purpose. Take a look at this.”

Flashback to TC saying to the camera, “Three years ago, I was in a car accident and my seat busted and I hit Taylor in the head.” We see TC’s son in his car seat now, then cut to a fairly graphic shot of his son in the hospital room shortly after the accident. “I fractured his skull. I promised him that as long as he comes out fine, I’d lose the weight for him.”

Fairly graphic post-accident photo, click at your own discretion.

Those who have read from the very first recap know that what TC said to his son directly was, “I’m going to get skinny for you, okay bud?”

I say this not to shame TC, but to show what twisted expectations this show gives people. TC is understandably terrified and the show promises to get him to a safe, skinny weight. Clearly from the introduction, TC, while thinner, is hardly skinny. Although he was easily the most motivated of the contestants, TC was also the first sent home.

We see a clip of TC losing 3.99% and him sobbing hysterically. Then we see him walking with his family and a voiceover says, “The most difficult part of only having one week on the ranch was having to push all of those thoughts of being a failure aside.” Cut to footage of him chasing his son around a playground.

“I could have easily just slacked off,” TC says. “I could have easily gone to my old ways and gave up.” Cut to a clip of TC playing basketball with his son. “But I made a promise to my son to lose this weight. And now I know I will do it.”

Click to see TC’s exercise montage.

And now, TC  has to lose more than 133 pounds to beat Francie. But he went from 376 to 266, a total of 110, or 29.26%.

“TC we can see the changes you have made,” Sweeney consoles him. “We are all so proud to have you in The Biggest Loser family.” That’s the second time Sweeney has referred to TC as part of TBL’s family. She really wants to drive home that point. “And it’s time for you to have a seat.” In other words, go away now.

“It’s Michael’s turn to weigh in,” Sweeney moves on. “He just had a new son, so when Michael came to the ranch, he knew it was time to man up.” The funny thing about this part is that as Sweeney introduces him, Michael goes from a happy grin to stone-cold serious in a matter of seconds. It was kind of weird. So I captured it.

“Did I leave the blowtorch on?
[Click to see Michael's sudden realization.]

Click to see lots of cute baby footage.

Then we cut to Bob yelling, “Five burpees, all I want are five burpees!” Cut to the following shot of Michael looking like a tribute to the cute baby footage.

I don’t wanna burpee! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

“Don’t shake your head no,” Bob threatens him  Whatever you do, don’t do that.” We see Bob hunched over Michael, with Michael’s facedown and defeated. Bob grunts, “This is going to be the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your entire life. Your son needs you.” Quick zoom in on Michael. “Do you understand me?”

“Yes.”

Cut to inspiring exercise montage.

“Get up. That’s it,” Bob encourages him as we see Michael running gape-jawed and happy on a treadmill. Then we see him hitting a tire with a sledgehammer, followed by Michael saying “Yeah!” and giving Bob a high five. And I have managed to capture all of that in the inspiring montage below.

Click for inspiring exercise montage. It’s inspiring!

The best part of this montage is that I got the following two screencaps of Bob that, when watched consecutively and repeatedly, give a very distinct impression. If you click one photo in this recap, this is the one to click.

Don’t be a jackass, click me.

So, of course I had to make this.

Click to see who’s the biggest jackass.

Enough Photoshop shenanigans, back to Mike on the scale, who has to lose more than 157 pounds. He started at 444 pounds. BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP (I’m trying recreate the dramatic beeping of the Scale). The Scale hits 308 pounds, losing a total of 136 pounds, or 30.63%.

“Michael that applause is for you,” Sweeney says, gesturing to the audience. “We love you.” And we want to bear more of your children.

“It’s Cate’s turn next,” Sweeney continues.

Is she happy? Nervous? Did she just smell somebody else’s toot?
What’s going on here?

“She was afraid that’s she’d spend the rest of her life on the sidelines. After she came to the ranch it was a whole new ballgame.”

Flashback to Cate telling the camera, “I know I have a food addiction. After I go to the gym I drive myself to my favorite fast food restaurant and I pig out.” We see Cate driving to said restaurant and pigging out, and a dashboard with an order of Chicken McNuggets, two cheeseburgers and a medium fry. We hear her say, “I’m making a wrong choice and I’m aware of it.” And then, we see her walking alone and her voiceover says, “But what hurts the most is sitting on the sideline while everybody else lives.”

Click to see Cate’s sad backstory montage.

Then we see the time Dolvett cured Cate’s shin splints with a Biggest Loser Moment. BLMs are those times in the show after a contestant has failed in some way or suffered an injury, and the trainers have a chat with them about how their horrible fat life always sucked. You know it’s a BLM when it ends in a hug.

“I see you as a fighter,” Dolvett tells her. “You don’t see yourself that way yet. Open your eyes.” And then the inspirational exercise montage, including Cate jumping with a giant red pole and her foray into the new Olympic event that’s replacing Greco-Roman Wrestling. It’s called SPAZ RUN!!!

Click to see Cate’s SPAZ RUN!!!

There’s a double-time SPAZ RUN!!! as well.

“Let’s go let’s go let’s go,” Dolvett urges her on. “Fight for it.” And then we see him tell Cate, “I’m proud of you.”

This is when Cate gushes, “Thank you. Thank you. Oh my god he said it.” Then she hugs the punching bag. “Oh god, he said he’s proud of me.” Yyyyyyyyyyyeah. I’m just gonna walk away from that one.

Click to see inspiring exercising montage and punching bag hug.

On the Scale, Cate has to lose more than 84 pounds. She’s starting at 237 and got to 173, for a total of 64 pounds, or 27%.  And with that, the second round of at-home contestants draws to a rapid close.

Poetic Justice

The pace is relentless when Sweeney greets us back from the commercial break. “She may be a mother of four, but she’s still one hot mama.” Um… did she just suggest that mother’s of four can’t be hot mamas? “Here’s Lisa.”

TRANSFORMATION COMPLETE!

Lisa is sure to pose with her butt to the camera.

Click to see Lisa’s butt to the camera.

“He started this season as an overweight cop, but now he’s a force all his own.” Oooooh, they probably don’t get to use that pun all that often. “Here’s David.”

“THERE’S AN ASSASSIN IN THE BALCONY!”

David really seems to have a thing for pointing.

And for a minute, he transformed into Jerry Orbach pointing with delight.

He even incorporates it into his pose.

“They wouldn’t let me carry my service revolver, so I’ll use my finger instead.”
[Click to see David use his finger instead.]

Gina chose the optical illusion dress.

As Gina crosses the stage we can distinctly hear Jillian say, “That’s Gina.”

Then we see a sign in the audience that, I guess, is Gina’s signature line.

And there’s more salt in ham than in turkey.

You know, quitting is only forever if you quit forever. And it’s worth mentioning that Lance Armstrong already has dibs on that saying.

We love you too Gina… all of us, except Lance Armstrong.
[Click to see Gina tell us how she loves us.]

Raise your hands if you’re a huge douchebag!

And, of course, his creepy twin brother again.

Sorry creepy twin. I just think you’re kind of creepy.

And clearly Joe goes to Michael’s School of Posing.

Click to see Joe’s bow.

“Wow, you all look fantastic,” Sweeney greets them, “but Lisa I wish you had seen… there were people in the audience, jaws hit the floor when they saw you. But I heard it’s not just you. I heard you got your whole family losing weight too.”

Give a round of applause for Lisa and her loud-ass family, everybody.

“My family is incredible, look at them.” You don’t need to tell me twice, I can’t keep my eyes off ‘em.

We hear about Lisa’s husband losing 70 pounds and her mom losing 30, and how family gives huge support. Sweeney asks David about his family too, but toward the end you can see Sweeney struggling to manage time. “Well we can’t wait to see all of you, talk more to you, Joe and you, Gina, but we need to get you back stage and in your weigh-in clothes, so let’s get to the weigh-ins.” And as she tells them to go weigh-in she, once again, does the little shooing motion with her hands.

Off you go, you rapscallions!

Geez Sweeney, it’s not their fault you’re running behind schedule.

“Can Francelina hold onto the lead? We’re giving $100,000 away when we return.” Sweeney’s so fucking excited.

“I’m so fucking excited!”

After the commercial, we get a whole other round of introductions from Sweeney. “Lisa’s up next.”

Lisa looks like she smells something horrible

“She may be a mother of four, but when she came to the ranch she was not kidding around.”

Cut to Dolvett and Lisa in a BLM. “You spent so much time helping so many people, when are you going to start helping you?” he asks her, straining sincerity.

“I want to be the best mom I can be,” Lisa says. “The only way I can do that is if I’m strong.”

We see her say to the camera, “Me and my husband have four amazing children. I tell them they have to do their best and I have to be that example.”

Then she says to Dolvett, “They have big dreams and I want to be there for all of them.”

“Let’s go to work,” Dolvett says very seriously.

Inspiring exercise montage with Dolvett yelling at her and Lisa complying. Then she says to the camera, “I’ve worked hard every workout I’ve done, everything I can. And I’m starting to feel myself get stronger in the gym and a little more confident, and that’s feeling good.”

Then Dolvett’s in her face, poking her with his finger, “You motivate you from now on, you got me?”

“I got you,” she says.

“Let’s go.”

Click to see Dolvett poking Lisa, while he seems to be saying “Oooooo-weeeeeee” over and over,
while she seems to be saying “homina homina homina” ad infinitum.

Lisa has to lose more than 87 pounds to beat Francelina. It’s pretty obvious that’s going to happen.

Lisa started at 246 and her final weight was 138, for a loss of 108 pounds, or 43.90%.

Lisa gives Dolvett a hug and Sweeney says, “Dolvett, before we move on, let’s talk about this girl for a second.”

Dolvett says something incredibly kind and generous, but we can’t hear it because his mic was off. “… so determined and focused, she had to go home. But she called me and said, ‘I’m not done yet’ and I said to her, ‘I’m not done with you either.’ So it worked. And she is in many examples what this show is about. You look amazing.” Oh, there are far better examples of what that show is about.

“Alright, let’s check in with David,” Sweeney continues.

His hair is glorious.

“As a cop, David had sworn to protect and to serve everyone around him. He didn’t know the person he needed to help the most was himself.” Did you know that there’s a limit to how far you can roll your eyes? Yeah, I just blew past that.

David’s talking to the camera in a flashback. “A big part of who I am is just serving the public in whatever fashion that might be.”

So, is he wearing a bulletproof vest or was he really that puffy?

“And I have seven children.” David talks about his daughter Tiffany, who has Rett Syndrome, and we see footage of him carrying her. “If I couldn’t take care of my family, especially Tiffany, if I couldn’t do those things any more, I can’t think of a lower point in my life I can be.”

David helping Tiffany get up.

Then we go to the visit with Dr. Hyzinga in episode 5 when David says, “A few years ago I had an injury to the meniscus on the knee on that same leg, and it was actually on a treadmill at the same time when that happened.” And then Bob had the audacity to say, “I wish, as your coach, that I would have known about this injury before. You not telling me about this previous injury put us at a huge disadvantage.” Was Bob suggesting that David did not disclose his injuries? Was he suggesting that The Biggest Loser didn’t know about the injury from the medical records they no doubt request during the application process? This was also the BLM that managed to deflect the fact that Bob pushed David to a stress fracture.

How does Bob deflect the blame for David’s injury? When David accepts the blame for not disclosing his injury to Bob, Bob says, “You have a hard time asking for what you need.” Bob was obviously using information from the extensive psychological tests they give the contestants.

The only part of that exchange that they show in the David’s flashback sequence is the when Bob says, “You have a hard time asking for what you need.” He follows this with, “We’ve got to get to a point in your life that you’re like, ‘You know what, my feelings are just as important as everyone else’s.’” Yeah, that, or not exercising for so long and so intensely that you injure your already-injured body. Of course, Bob lectures David on his feelings, David has a single tear trailing down his cheek.

Then David says to the camera, “Keep those workouts coming because I’m concentrating on David right now, so let’s go, let’s do this.”

Commence inspiring exercise montage, including footage of him using jumping rope without a rope.

Everybody’s too embarrassed to tell him he forgot the rope.
[Click to see him hopping mad.]

“Okay, it is time to get Gina up there,” Sweeney says.

If I had to pick, I’d be on team Gina.

“She had some pretty big fights this season, but she also killed it on the scale.” Oh, hey everybody, here comes the asshole! “Take a look at this.” In other words, “Check out this asshole!”

They show the exact same footage from episode 11 of Gina hitting a tire with a sledgehammer and Bob griping at her until she says, “I hate you Bob.” That’s blasphemy in Biggest LoserLand.

Then Gina says to the camera, “I may have another meltdown this week…” Because she’s totally unhinged.

We see Gina leaving the gym (thought we don’t see Gina struggling with an impending foot injury or hearing Joe say that he hates lawyers (i.e., Gina)) and then Dolvett calling after her, “Gina, don’t walk away from me.”

Then we see her finish her meltdown sentence “… but I’m starting to fix the things that are broken.”

In another camera shot, we see Gina say, “Sometimes just an apology will make a huge difference…” We see her hugging Jillian because clearly Jillian needed to apologize for being such a colossal asshole toward her in episode 8. “… and I have a few more apologies to make in the house.”

Then we see Gina repeatedly being told that she’s the biggest loser of the week, followed by Gina winning “don’t fall off the building” challenge and saying, “My moment is today and that feels pretty good.”

Click to see some of the stuff I just described.

Gina has to lose more than 107 pounds to beat Lisa. It seems entirely possible, but Lisa seemed so strikingly thin that I wasn’t really sure who would win. Gina went from 245 to 132, for a total of 113 pounds, or 46.12%.

“Congratulations,” Sweeney welcomes her off the Scale. “I mean, amazing, look at those numbers. What does that say to you?”

See, even assholes can lose weight!

“I haven’t seen that number in a long, long time,” Gina says. “But more important than that, it’s how I feel on the inside. And how healthy I am now. That’s the most important thing.” Not for The Biggest Loser it isn’t. If health was the most important thing, then they wouldn’t have made Gina climb that mountain with a sprained ankle in the last episode.

“Bob, I mean, I think back to all our conversations with Gina on the scale.” Gina strikes a pugilistic pose. “What do you see in this woman today?”

Do it, Gina. Really, really punch him. Right in the crotch.

“I mean, I gotta tell you, Gina and I have had some good conversations this whole season,”  Bob says, “but I gotta say, I’m just so proud. I knew you had it in you. I just knew it, and you standing up there losing 113 pounds, it’s just perfection.” Temporary, though it might be.

“It comes down to Gina and Joe,” Sweeney says.

I like how the lighting makes Joe look like he’s coming live from Hell.

“After retiring from football, Joe gained a ton of weight, but once he vowed to get into shape it was game on.”

We see Joe on the football field say, “I’m here with my identical twin brother Henry.” Hey there Creepy Hank.

Joe says to the camera, “Football’s been a part of my life since I was eight-years-old and started playing.” Cut to pictures of young Joe the football player. “My problem is I’m still eating to get back.” Shots of Joe and Creepy Hank stuffing their faces. “We haven’t burned it off over the last 10 years, it just piles on. My brother and I have a pact right now with each other that we’re going to get healthy.”

Then we’re at the reunion and Joe’s brother got thin too, and Joe talks about how inspiring Creepy Hank is.

Click to see Joe and Creepy Hank in action.

And now, the moment of truth. Joe is on the scale and he needs to lose more than 167. But first, COMMERCIAL BREAK!

When we come back, Sweeney asks, “What are you standing on the scale thinking? You did everything to be here.” You even killed that one guy when we asked you to. And now, eloquent Joe:

There’s so much that goes through your mind right now, just seeing this amazing crowd out here. My family, fans, seeing Gina, how well everybody’s done out here, it’s just incredible. This is the healthiest I’ve ever been in my life, even as an athlete. I was in shape, Allison, but there’s a difference between being in shape and being healthy, and being healthy isn’t just the weight. It’s healthy inside and out. It’s the happiness that you have, and you can’t give that away. It just comes from here.

Got that, kids? Being an athlete is just being in shape. To be healthy, you have to be an athlete with happiness that you can’t give away.

“I love hearing that that is how you feel, now let’s see what the scale says. Let’s get you on it.” Sweeney should have known that Joe’s rambling ass would eat up airtime.

So Joe starts at 364 pounds and after an interminable amount of beeps, he lands on 217 pounds for a 147 pound loss, or 40.38%.

Joe says, “The scale doesn’t lie.”

Gina wins.

Click to see Gina’s reaction.

Good for Gina. Really. She got her reputation dragged through the mud by this show and she was treated like absolute shit by Jillian, so I’m glad she at least won the money and beat Joe. It makes me happy that the person TBL wanted us to hate was the second-place winner.

Low-Fat Banshee

Man, am I glad we’ve got those weigh-ins out of the way. It’s easily the most tedious part of watching the last episode, which has recaps by necessity due to the influx of viewers who show up just for the grand finale. This season, ignoring the premiere and the finale, The Biggest Loser had an average of 5.9 million viewers, while the finale had 7.4 million. So, while it’s interesting to see how TBL chose to frame the season, I really, really, really didn’t need to see footage for the second, third or fourth time. Which is why it was a relief when the weight loss testimonies came from somewhere other than the same 15 people.

“Gina isn’t the only winner here tonight,” Sweeney says. “On day one we challenged you, America, to join the battle against obesity in this country and your response has been tremendous.” We’ve lain waste to the Great Fatty Hordes besieging this great nation of ours! “Together, you’ve already lost more than 100,000 pounds.” Of course, in five years time they’ll have regained 150,000 pounds. “Tonight, hundreds of inspirational people who embody what The Biggest Loser is all about are here with us live.” Oh boy! They didn’t bring the lean cadavers this year! “Our trainers are in the audience with some of them now to hear a few of their amazing stories.” Okay, Sweeney, I’m bracing myself for some amazing stories. Bring it on.

Bob’s first. “I’m standing here with Brandi, she’s 38 from Carthage, Texas. Tell us about yourself.” Yeah, Brandi, tell us all about who you are, your hopes, your dreams, your ambitions in life.

“Well, I’ve lost 75 pounds,” Brandi says.

“We have a before picture,” Bob announces. “Can we see it?”

Click to see Brandi’s before and after photo.

“Look at her.” We are, Bob. We are. “I mean, she looks incredible. And you have something special coming up, what is it?”

“I do,” Brandi says. “Sunday I’m running my first half marathon.”

“A half marathon,” Bob cheers. “Do you know how far that is? Are you sure you want to do that? Do you know how far that is?” Ha ha ha ha ha ha. The funny. It burns!

So, Brandi tries to ask Bob if he’ll join her for the marathon, but he’s too busy laughing at his own… um… joke, and he won’t relinquish his mic, so you can’t really hear what she says. But we can hear him perfectly when he says, “I’ll ride in a golf cart beside you, how about that?” HAHAHAHA!

Personal space Bob. Personal space.

Then over to Jillian. “With me, I have Katarina. She’s 19, she’s from North Ridge, California, and she joined Challenge America in the very beginning of the season. How much have you lost?” That’s Jillian “Wham Bam How Much Have you Lost?” Michaels for you.

“Well can I just say I can’t believe I’m standing next to you right now?” What? No! I want to know how much you’ve lost, dammit!

But Jillian hugs her, and then she finally says, “I’ve lost 50 pounds.”

“Okay, let’s take a look at her before picture,” Jillian says.Foreplay’s over. Jillian’s goes straight for the satisfaction.

Click to see the before and after.

It’s kind of hard to tell the difference between the photo and now because they only show her from the midriff up.

But Jillian is enthusiastic about the difference. “You look beautiful, you really do. You look gorgeous. How do you feel?” Because if you focus on the beauty of weight loss, it’s okay as long as you follow it up by asking how they feel.

“Great, like amazing. I’ve never felt like this before in my life.” Not even the first time you were at this weight?

“And what was your motivation to lose the weight?” Michaels asks.

“You were my motivation,” Katarina says, and Jillian looks bashful. “Whenever you talk to the contestants I felt like you’re talking to me, just to do more in the gym, just to keep going harder, and if I ever had a craving for a donut or a cookie I just heard you yelling at me, ‘You better not eat that, you better go to the gym right now and raise that incline.’”

Man, I thought having to watch Jillian Michaels on this show was a nightmare. Just imagine having her trapped in your damned head!

“You gotta raise the volume a little bit,” Jillian says. Then she full-out screams at the top of her lungs, “YOU BETTER NOT EAT THAT! DO NOT EAT THAT!” Katarina, clearly not expecting this, looks obviously startled.

Click to see Katarina’s hilarious reaction to being screeched at by Queen of the Bullies.

“That’s exactly what we all hear in our minds.” And, oh what a pleasure it must be living in your head.

Finally, we go to Dolvett who says, “I am here with Jessica from San Diego California. What brings you here today?”

“I am here today to do this, right?” Jessica says, and Dolvett is not amused. Mostly, though, it’s because her attempt at being light-hearted fell flat.

“And what’s your story?”

“I still have about 50 pounds to lose, but I started my journey about a year ago, and as of today I’m down a hundred pounds,” Jessica says.

“One hundred pounds,” Dolvett repeats. “Look at this before picture of Jessica.”

Click to see the before and after comparison.

Okay, I hate to be discouraging, but where you are at one year is probably where you’re going to stay, if you’re lucky enough not to regain. If she really lost 100 pounds in one year, that’s two pounds a week, which is the upper threshold of what most entities define as slow and steady. I would love to know what she has done so far to lose that much weight, but I would also love to know the trajectory. I’m guessing most of the weight came off during the first three months, and it tapered off gradually after that. And considering the amount she lost, she would have had to make drastic lifestyle changes. To lose another 50, she would have to go even more drastic.

“Wow, you look amazing,” Dolvett says. “So tell us real quick, what have you learned in the process?” Quick being the operative word.

“I have learned your journey never ends,” Jessica says. “And you can achieve any goal you set your mind to if you are determined and you stay focused.” But can you stay at your goal, that’s the real question. Check back with me in five years and we’ll see how that’s going.

“Is there anything else you want to add?” Dolvett asks.

“Nothing else I want to add, but I did promise some friends back home that I would check out your biceps.”

Okay, if you’re done degrading humanity, can we move on, please?

“If they can do it at home, so can you,” Sweeney says. “We’re challenging all of you America to live the Biggest Loser lifestyle at home, whether you want to lose 5 or 50 pounds.”

As Sweeney is selling us on The Biggest Loser online weight loss program, we see images of former contestants flash past the screen, one of which you may recall from my “Where Are They Now?” post on former contestants.

Click to see the transforming fatty cut his weight in half!

That guy right there is Michael Ventrella, the contestant who lost the most amount of weight on the show ever and, as you may recall, had several photos showing that he has since regained quite a bit of the weight. And yet here he is being touted as a TBL success story, when the real story looks more like this:

While the pictures of Ventrella flash for just a second on the screen, it’s part of TBL’s body of evidence that their approach works. Except it only works while you’re at the ranch. Once you leave, it’s anyone’s guess how things will turn out.

After a commercial break, Sweeney gets all serious again. “This season we took on our biggest challenge yet: the growing problem of childhood obesity. So for the very first time we had three kids come to the ranch to lead the way.” Great plan. No pressure,kids! “And from the moment we all laid eyes on him, we fell head over heels in love with Biingo.” Biingo is a cute kid. Which is why it’s so galling how he has been exploited. “Just like millions of kids across the country, all he wanted to do was get fit so he could play baseball. And he proved to everyone that with a little hard work, you can play anything you want.”

I got news for you Sweeney: fat kids play baseball. Haven’t you people seen “The Sandlot”?

We flashback for about the 50th time this season to the shot of Biingo jumping to catch a ball and missing it, then saying, “Aaaaw butterfingers.” Then we hear him say in a voiceover (again, for the 50th time), “I love playing baseball with my friends, but I can’t throw as fast as they can, I can’t run as fast as they can.”

I just want to stop right here and say that I keep encountering this mindset from anti-HAES proponents who seem to equate skill with health. The argument goes something like this: if you’re healthy, then you should be competitive and if you’re not healthy, then you’re not competitive. So, if you’re a 400 pound man who runs/walks a marathons, that doesn’t count because your time is so slow.

This is ridiculous. If Biingo enjoys baseball and plays baseball with his friends, then he is getting exercise, whether he can throw or run as well as his friends or not. And yet we set these expectations that health equals skill, when that is clearly not the case. When Kelly Gneiting trained for, and completed, the marathon, he was exercising, whether it took him 5 hours or 15. To dismiss someone’s efforts because they aren’t competitive is discouraging and it’s a greater stumbling block to getting fat people active than their weight is.

“I just want to be a normal kid of normal weight that doesn’t get made fun of.” It would be nice if we’d just work on kids not making fun of other kids, but I guess that’s asking too much of society. “This is the start of a new beginning.” A new beginning of a lifetime struggle with weight.

We see Dr. Splenda at Biingo’s house asking, “Biingo, how many hours of video games would you say you play a day?”

Biingo says, “Like, nine.” This is obviously an exaggeration, and in the original episode his mom corrects him and says that’s on the weekend. He plays five on a weekday. My question is, when does this kid eat or do homework or take a shower? And if he is allowed to come home and play video games until bedtime is that really his fault?

We then see Biingo with his fractured foot, and he says, “On top of me having weight issues, I have an injury and I feel like I can’t do anything.”

Bob tells Biingo, “Get outside and play some baseball with your friends.” Biingo says, “Challenge accepted.”

“I just can’t wait to prove that I can work through this injury and I will be healthy,” Biingo says. “I’m very proud of myself, how far I’m getting and how well it’s going.” We find out that Biingo doubled his situp record from the beginning of the show.

Then we see when Dr. Splenda announced, “Biingo has lost 25% of his body weight.” This was followed by Biingo saying, “That’s just insane to think of me cut into a quarter and just thrown away.”

We see the reunion where Biingo says, “No more being the largest kid in class, no more being the kid in class that gets made fun of.” Of course, that’s only until he regains the weight or the bullies stop respecting the TV crews. “When I look in the mirror I see Biingo. That’s all I see and I’m  happy to see me.”

Click to see the Biingo montage.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw…

Now Sweeney introduces Biingo, who gets the full Biggest Loser treatment with the double doors and the before and after picture.The only difference is that he got to wear a shirt.

Click to see Biingo’s grand entrance.

“Everyone wanted this for you from the moment we met you at the Biggest Loser,” Sweeney says, greeting him. “Since you’ve started, you have lost — you’ve grown two inches, first of all — you’ve lost 43 pounds.” The crowd goes wild. “Your parents are with you here tonight. They’ve lost weight too. Tell us about your parents getting healthy with you.”

Biingo talks about how he and his family lost weight together.

Family Diets: The new sensation that’s sweeping the nation.

Then Sweeney says, “So this is the one I couldn’t believe: nine hours a day playing video games and you just said, ‘Nope, not gonna do it anymore.’”

“No, in between having to go to the gym workout, eat healthy, you know, just kind of ran out of time for it,” Biingo says. “So it just kinda… it just didn’t happen.” After that Biingo never played video games ever again.

Biingo’s obviously drawing from Jackson’s wardrobe now.

Then Sweeney moves on to Biingo’s fantasy. “You talked about it right from the beginning, how much you loved baseball and one of the experiences you had was that you tried out for one of the best baseball teams in the entire state, the Maryland Cardinals. How did that go?”

Ah yes… it wouldn’t be enough if Biingo joined his school team or, say, met his friends every weekend to play. No, he has to join “one of the best baseball teams in the entire state.” And while this is certainly awesome for a kid to make the best team in the state, it is certainly not a necessary step in getting a child active. But getting Biingo active isn’t really the point of this exercise.

Biingo answers, “Oh, I think it went pretty good. It was exciting, it was different, it was fun.”

“Did you feel like you did well?”

“I feel like I did.”

“I have someone here who wants to tell you how well you did,” Sweeney says. “So we have this little surprise. Come on out coach.”

Surprise surprise, Biingo made the team. I’m sure he made the team because of his improve athleticism and innate ability, and that it has nothing to do with the fact that he’s on the TV show.

Click to see Biingo’s fantasy come true.

The entire season has been leading up to these wish fulfillments for the kids. The weight loss has been under the radar most of the season, but they knew that in the end they would announce the total weight lost and couple that with the fantasy outcome they engineered and it would send a powerful message to parents and kids alike: lose weight and you can achieve your dreams.

The unanswered question, and the one that time will ultimately decide, is what happens when these kids regain the weight? What then?

NBC doesn’t really care. They merely wanted this moment on the stage when the magic of weight loss becomes a reality.

Final Flashbacks

After another commercial, Sweeney begins to show the background stories of the final three contestants.

First up, we see Jackson get called from the audience in the season premiere. We also hear Sweeney say, “As a teenager, Jackson was put down for who he was. Now he may just come out on top.”

We see TBL’s favorite photo of Fat Jackson in his tiny Mormon shirt walking down the street.

“I came out as a gay man in 9th grade and that was just tough,” Jackson says to the camera. “The kids would make it their mission to embarrass me in front of everyone else. It was awful. It was a living hell. And that was when I started to find comfort in food.” Cut to shots of him stuffing his face. “I have to change my life right now. This is the moment. This is when it needs to happen.”

Then we see Jackson say, “My very first workout I think to myself, ‘This is the worst thing in the world, I’m going to die.’” Show the footage of Jackson passing out. “I cannot get through a single workout without my body going into complete shock. I need this opportunity, I need this to be here.” I need to hurl.

Click to see Jackson’s pathetic montage.

Then we see Dolvett’s timeless advice, “You throw up, you keep going, you throw up, you keep going. Eventually, you’re going to stop throwing up, you follow what I’m saying?”

Click to see Dolvett’s motivational vomit dance.

Yeah, I follow what you’re saying, and considering that Jackson was still puking in the second-to-last episode, you’re full of shit, or puke. Maybe both.

“But, I’d take a couple of seconds and then I’d get right back to work,” Jackson says because that’s a healthy model to follow.

Now begins the inspiring exercise montage with Jackson leading his team when Dolvett left the ranch to visit Lindsay. “Dolvett should be terrified of me taking his job, I’m coming after him,” Jackson jokes.

We see Jackson on the scale losing 22, then Jackson losing 12, then Dolvett either making an excited face or mocking Jackson. I can’t tell which.

Click to figure out if Dolvett is mocking Jackson.

“I love the fact that I never gave up. I’m never going to let fear rule my life any more.” Throughout much of this season, fear has been essentially a synonym for fat. In fact, there was an entire episode dedicated to drawing that connection where one never existed. Scared of sharks? Nah, it’s really your fear of letting Bob tell you what to do. Claustrophobic? Nah, you’re just fat, so let’s put you in a coffin.

After Jackson’s flashback, Sweeney brings him out and Jackson immediately begins greeting and joking with the other contestants sitting on the stage.

Click to see the exuberant reunion.

Sweeney panics and goes over to get him. “Alright, we have a show to do. Come here.”

“I couldn’t control myself,” Jackson laughs.

“I still can’t get over how fantastic you look. Have you seen the other finalists yet? I mean, are you nervous?”

“If they look anything like these guys, I’m in for a world of hurt. I’m trying to stay positive.”

“If you want to be the best, you have to beat the best,” Sweeney says. “So let’s meet your competition. As a boy, Jeff had to deal with the unimaginable loss of his father. Now he’s ready to do him proud.” TBL loves promoting dead parents.

We see Jeff get called down during the premiere followed by Jeff standing on the scale and saying, “I’m ashamed an embarrassed of what I’ve done to myself.”

“I lost my dad when I was 17,” he says to the camera as we see a photo of him. “One of the things he did share before he passed was that he wanted me to lose the weight and I feel like if I made this change that he would be extremely proud of me, and I don’t know when the last time I could say that, you know, he was really proud of me.” Yup, nothing exploitative about choosing the contestant has a father whose dying wish was for him to lose weight.

We see Jeff crying, “I just don’t want to go home.”

“Listen to me,” Bob says. “You do all the work and I’ll do all the worrying. You can do this.”

Then we see the other creepy element of this story when Jeff says to the camera, “I haven’t had that male bonding type of scenario in a long, long time.” Yes, it’s time for Bob to take the mantle of Jeff’s father figure.

“Good job, brother, I love you for your effort,” Bob tells him.

“It’s kind of nice now to have someone push you to be better than you thought you were,” Jeff says to the camera again. “To have someone believe in you more than you believe in yourself.”

“He’s a strong man,” Bob says. “He’s capable of a lot.”

“I want Bob to be proud of me and proud of the effort I put into the gym, when he’s around and when he’s not around,” Jeff says to the camera. And now we’re in psychologically bizarre territory. Bob has become the father bestowing his pride upon his “son,” Jeff, for losing weight. Exploitative? Naaaaah. That’s good TV!

Bob says to Jeff, as he begins to sob, “You’re a good man and I know that wherever your father is right now that he is so proud of you because there is no way that he couldn’t be.”

“I mean, you’ve changed my life and I can’t thank you enough.” Bob and Jeff hug because it’s a BLM, baby.

We see Jeff loses 11 pounds. “YES!” he cries.

“That’s the number!” Bob shouts.

Click to see Jeff’s montage.

“Here he is,” Sweeney says. “Say hello to the brand new Jeff.”

Click to see the Brand New Jeff!

Of course, being in the Final Three, Jeff gets a holofatty.

Click to see the holofatty rise and Jeff heap shame and scorn upon its image.

Jeff shakes his head at the holofatty.

“First of all, I know how important it was for you to make him proud. But what about you? Are you proud of you?” Sweeney asks.

“You know, I am proud, for the first time in a long time. I’m proud.” Jeff says.

“What does that feel like to say that out loud? What does that mean to say that out loud?” It means he’s proud, Sweeney, geez. Back off already.

“You know, I would always just hide behind the jokes, hide behind the laughter and, you know, pretend I was proud. So to be able to say here in front of all my friends, family, my new family, you and America, to be able to mean it. It’s unbelievable.”

The lesson here? If a fatty says they’re proud, they’re really like Jeff: just pretending. Remember that, America, you can’t be proud, unless you’re thin.

Finally, are you ready for the transformation of the season? This is the change that I was not prepared for and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Brace yourself.

“She’s a textbook example that with a little hard work —” Sweeney says before pretending to correct herself, “okay it was definitely a lot of hard work — anyone can have that fairy tale ending. Have a look at Danni’s story.” Yes, because losing weight is just like a fairy tale.

We see Danni called down and we see her starting weight and her shame-face.

“My weight has stolen my confidence without a doubt, Danni says to the camera. “I let my weight speak for myself. If I could get that confidence back I could do so much more with my life.” Of course, you can’t have confidence with a fat ass, which brings us to the inspiring exercise montage.

We see Danni pushing Jillian on one of those football things, we hear her wheezing, then she collapses. Cue the favorite footage of Danni dumping a bucket of water on her head and screaming, “Wake up Danni!”

We see Danni falls off treadmill while walking backwards, then Jillian asking her, “Is this it? Do you want this to be the end? Is this how the story ends? Pull it together Danni.”

“I know I can be the person I really should be.” We see Danni kicking a pad Jillian is holding. “I’m tired of living my life at a 70% level, I want to live 100%. You only live once.” Wow, that’s an awesome saying. I hope that catches on. Maybe if they make some kind of mnemonic device from “You only live once” it will catch on with the kids, just like Gina’s “Quitting is forever” saying.

We see Danni win four challenges because she won nearly all of them. Then Jillian says, “Danni has been spot on every single weigh in. She’s earned this. She’s worked harder than everyone the entire season.” Despite having been disproven time and time and time again, Jillian returns with the “hard work = weight loss” equation.

“I’m proud of you man,” Jillian says to Danni on the Scale. “That’s rad.” And totally tubular. “Because you did it, Danni. You did it.”

“I’m a finalist,” she says at the final weigh-in before the finale. “I believed in myself and I believe I can pay it forward and I’m excited to prove to America that if I can do it, you sure as hell can do it.” Then Danni and Jillian have a puffy shirt hug.

Click to see Danni’s montage, including the puffy shirt hug.

“She won almost all of her challenges on her own,” Sweeney says. “She’s about to face her biggest one tonight. Can she do it one last time? Come on out, Danni.” Now, brace yourself because I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.

Click to see Danni’s dramatic entrance.

The crowd goes absolutely gaga as Danni walks with her holofatty before holding out her hands at her “old self.”

Click to see Danni say NO to holofatty.

For those of you wondering, no,the transformation I’m talking about isn’t Danni’s weight loss. It’s hard to see in these screencaps, but I found a better photo that reflects the shock and horror I felt as she stepped onto the stage.

Business in front, party in back.

DANNI HAS A FUCKING MULLET!!!

What has happened to her? Was she abducted by Honey Boo Boo? Who told her, “Hey, you know what would look really good? If we piled your hair on top of your head like you’re a NASCAR driver from the 1990s.”

Seriously, of all the moments from this night (and there are still plenty left to come) this is the one that rendered me unable to close my jaw. I’m still having nightmares about this haircut.

“Danni, you’re standing here in the finals did you know you had it in you from day one? Did you know this was in you from day one?” Did you know you had that mullet in you?

“From day one? No, I did not know this was in me.” I used to have a sense of style, after all. “I was a scared, self-conscious person. I did not know I could be here.” Wearin’ a mullet. “I didn’t know I was going to get past the first workout.” Danni starts to cry. “I’m sorry, I just saw Jill.” And I realized how much I look like her now. “I didn’t know that my dreams were possible and I finally feel like my dream’s come true.” Ah, the Fantasy returns.

“All that emotion came from seeing Jill.” And a mirror. “After all that you two have been through together, what do you want to say to her?” Please shave my head?

“I just want to give her a hug,” Danni sniffs.

“Not yet,” Jillian says, holding out her hands. “Wait, I have this moment. I’ve been picturing it. You wait. I’ve been picturing this moment for months now and I’m not ready yet. It’s gonna be when the confetti comes down no matter what and you promise I’m the first hug.”

Click to see Jillian refuse to hug Danni’s enormous mullet.

“I promise you,” Danni says.

Am I the only one who finds this exchange weird? Because it was really weird. Bob and Dolvett hugged their contestants without hesitation, but why is Jillian spending so much time defending this “moment” she wants to have under the confetti?

Before we can figure it out, Sweeney ushers the contestants off the stage, except Danni doesn’t seem to want to leave.

Danni’s mullet has left her struggling to keep up with the others.

“The last of our three kid ambassadors is about to come out and she looks absolutely stunning. I can’t wait for you to see her right after this.”

Just as Danni has been the prize contestant this season, and all of her segments seem to be put in a “saved the best for last” position, so too is Sunny the favorite kid contestant.

But we’re not going to see Sunny today because I’m saving the best for last myself, including a live proof of the failure that follows Biggest Loser. Just one more recap, folks, and you’ll finally get to learn just who is The Biggest Dickweed.

If you think this is wrong, sign the petition to stop Biggest Loser and join our boycott.

Previous recaps

• Prequel — Paging Dr. Dolgoff
• Episode 1 — The Biggest Dickweed
• Episode 2 — Reclaiming Worth
• Episode 3 — Crossfire Hurricane
• Episode 4 — Cognitive Dissonance
• Episode 5 — Abracadabra
• Episode 6 — Mystery Tramp
• Episode 7 — Valentine’s Day Massacre
• Episode 8 — Queen Bee
• Episode 9 — Fear and Loathing
• Episode 10 — Half Baked
• Episode 11, Part 1 — Fresh Puke
• Episode 11, Part 2  — Desperate Times
• Episode 12, Part 1 — The Final Countdown